The Love We Overlook — A Reflection on Friendship
I've often found myself wondering why bookstores overflow with advice on romantic relationships yet whisper so little about the art of friendship. Growing up, magazines like Seventeen and Cosmo Girl constantly focused on looks and boys, all catering to the male gaze, while books like Think Like a Man taught us how to find 'the one.' Everywhere we looked, romantic love was portrayed as the ultimate goal, and being "chosen" was the ultimate achievement.
Looking back, it feels like a massive oversight, doesn't it? We get endless advice, books, and movies about finding the one, but where are the guides for building deep, lasting friendships? Why does society seem to relentlessly prioritize romantic partnership over cultivating strong communal bonds? Maybe there's a quiet assumption that being a good friend just comes naturally, that these vital platonic relationships simply happen without conscious effort. But honestly, I think many of us were subtly taught a different hierarchy — one where friendship often takes a backseat to family obligations and the all-consuming quest for romantic love. We were conditioned to believe that a true, deep connection primarily arrives wrapped in a romantic package.
This article isn't just a personal anecdote; it's really a reflection on how our culture often overlooks, or even undervalues, the profound, life-shaping connections found in friendship — those bonds that are platonic, yes, but incredibly transformative and sustaining. For transparency, my perspective comes as a cisgender, heterosexual woman whose closest friendships are primarily with other women, and that inevitably shapes my experiences. But while the details might be specific to my lens, my hope is that the core message hits home for everyone: that we can all recognize, truly cherish, and fiercely protect the unique, almost sacred space that genuine, loving friendship holds in our lives.
The Unfolding Chapters of Friendship
Now, in my early 30s, I reminisce about my friendships over the last few decades. I see snapshots from hangouts in the high school hallway, bonds being forged at late-night college parties, easy connections built across office desks, and serendipitous friendships made through my digital nomad journey. Each one, in its own unique way, has been a teacher, revealing lessons about life and about myself, offering insights far more valuable than I might have realized back then. Whether they were kindred spirits for a specific season or constants who've journeyed with me through decades, I've come to deeply understand that friendship is one of the most precious gifts life offers us.
Thinking back, my introduction to friendship began as early as primary school, when friendships were forged by sharing Scooby snacks during lunch or agreeing to be playmates during recess. In my pre-teen years, my idea of friendship was further shaped by movies like The Cheetah Girls or The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and shows I sneakily watched like Sex and the City or Girlfriends. My thirteenth-year-old self watched religiously, yearning for close and exciting friendships like those on TV.
Then came college, where my understanding of the true value of friendship blossomed to something more substantial. I joined a multi-cultural sorority that placed me on a collision course with some incredible women who are now some of my closest friends. Over ten years later, we've weathered breakups, marriages, family deaths, career highs and lows, long distances, and childbirth. That's a lot of life to live together, a full four seasons of experiences that no movie or show prepared me for. Those friendships, forged in love and accountability, were cultivated over time, not handed to us. In many ways, we had to unlearn what society conditioned us to believe about friendship, to include what friendship actually consists of. It’s easy to feel a deep sense of connection at 2 am while throwing back tequila shots and belting out tunes from the ‘90s, but what about in the moments when you have to show up for your friend who’s struggling with postpartum depression or the one who just lost their job? Friendship, just like a romantic relationship, requires consistent nourishment to grow. And it's precisely in those moments when we don’t prioritize our friendships that we understand the void it creates in our lives.
A Lesson in Prioritizing Friendship
Think about it: how many friendships have just...drifted away because we thought they'd take care of themselves? Better yet, how many connections have we let go of because romance took center stage?
One moment that sticks with me is when I bailed on a long-planned and overdue girls’ trip to New Orleans with my best friends. We were hyped; the group chat buzzed with all our plans of frolicking down Bourbon Street as we embraced our young, twenty-something lives with very little responsibility and lots of freedom. But then, my on-again-off-again boyfriend at the time, ever the charmer, convinced me to join him and a group of his friends in Montreal instead. "We listen, we don't judge," right? I was so quick to bail on my girls; I gave them a sorry excuse about why I couldn’t make the trip, but the universe delivered a swift lesson. Montreal was a disaster: the ice-cold, gloomy weather mirrored the tension between my then-boyfriend and me, and I was left feeling alone and adrift. The deep-seated regret of prioritizing him over my friends was a constant ache for months to come.
Some lessons take time to learn, but this one arrived via same-day delivery. I know my story is one that many women can relate to. It’s a cautionary tale about taking good friendships for granted and the pitfalls of centering romantic interest as the sole source of companionship. This was a wake-up call; I had to reflect on how I was showing up as a friend. Spoiler alert…I was a bad one.
Friendship isn’t about showing up perfectly. Life is messy, and sometimes so are you. You will make mistakes, but having hard and honest conversations with your friends offers the space to learn how to show up better and shift your perspective. This stage of life taught me that friendships offer a unique kind of love, less conditional, more enduring. They're a safe space for vulnerability, honesty, growth, and grace.
A Shift in Perspective
My understanding of friendship continued to expand as my decentering of romantic love began.
If you’re on TikTok or Instagram, then you’ve probably come across a few videos about the “decenter men” movement, mainly geared toward women who are no longer placing a heavy emphasis on men as the central focus in their lives. And while I love this movement, I want to clarify what often becomes misunderstood when decentering romantic love. Decentering romantic interest, and for this discussion, specifically with men, isn't about rejecting romantic love or devolving into misandry. Directing hatred towards men still places them at the forefront of our thoughts and emotions, just in a negative way. True decentering is about actively confronting our societal conditioning that elevates romantic love as the only vital source of love and connection. It’s about shifting from romantic love as the focal point and creating space for other meaningful aspects of life. This includes nurturing friendships, building community, and, crucially, the relationship we have with ourselves. It's about recognizing that these connections can bring just as much love, abundance, and that deep sense of belonging we all seek.
When I reflected on my tendency to pursue romantic love over platonic relationships, I realized that I tied much of my worth to my romantic status. It took conscious effort to recognize the profound value of my friendships. Reading Bell Hooks' All About Love was a revelation. It’s a book that will break you and put you back together again. If you haven't read it, add it to your must-read list, then let’s have a chat. It challenges societal conditioning around love and relationships. Hooks critiques how we prioritize romantic love, saying that we normalize the underappreciation of platonic yet deep connections to carry us through our journey in life. She states,
“Often we take friendships for granted even when they are the interactions where we experience mutual pleasure. We place them in a secondary position, especially in relation to romantic bonds. This devaluation of our friendships creates an emptiness we may not see when we are devoting all our attention to finding someone to love romantically or giving all our attention to a chosen loved one. Committed love relationships are far more likely to become codependent when we cut off all our ties with friends to give these bonds we consider primary our exclusive attention.”
It's a sobering thought — how often we push friendships to the side, especially when romance enters the picture. When all our energy is funneled into the search for 'the one' or maintaining that primary bond, we unknowingly starve the very connections that often bring us the purest, most reciprocal love and joy. That isolation, the cutting off of those vital friendships, sets the stage for codependency in romantic relationships. It's like we're expecting one person to be our entire support system, a weight no single bond is meant to carry, and erodes the very foundation of community.
This realization sparked a significant shift in my perspective. It wasn't just about acknowledging the importance of friendships, but actively investing in them. I began to consciously carve out time for my friends, prioritizing their needs and celebrations just as I would a romantic partner. I made an effort to listen more intently, to offer support without judgment, and to be present in the good times and the challenging ones. This wasn't always easy; old habits and societal conditioning are hard to break. But with each intentional act of friendship, with each moment of genuine connection, I felt a deeper sense of fulfillment. I started to understand that the love I received from my friends wasn't a substitute for romantic love, but a rich and vital source of nourishment in its own right. It was a love that offered stability, understanding, and a unique form of intimacy that shaped and enriched my life beyond measure, and I hope it does the same for yours.
A Call to Action
Whatever stage of life you’re in, you need friendship as a crucial element for personal growth, self-discovery, and overall well-being. When you choose genuine friends, these are the relationships where you can be truly seen, challenged, and celebrated for who you are, igniting a sense of belonging that enriches every phase of life.
As a call to action, I encourage you to reflect on what friendship means to you and how you show up as a friend. Make a devoted effort to check in, ask about your friend’s well-being, their hobbies, and their life. Ultimately, when we invest in our friendships, we forge bonds that create strong foundations for communities to withstand every season of life.
